Category Archives: ask for help

Is Suicide Ever the Right Choice?

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-by Matt Leedham

The answer is no.

However, last night I was reminded of the frailty of the human psyche and the limitations of our own perspectives. An old friend of someone close to me took his own life yesterday.

I was immediately struck with compassion for the person telling me. Losing a friend like that must be traumatic and shocking.

Then my mind zipped over to thoughts of the deceased’s mother and young daughter…and all of the friends he left behind. Anger ensues as you ask yourself, “how could he do this to those around him?”

But then, after the dust settled and I reported the news to my wife, I couldn’t stop thinking about the state of mind of a person in so much pain that choosing suicide was, at the time, the best choice.

I got choked up thinking about the loneliness, the torment, and the depression. How terrible that must have been.

As someone that loves life passionately, it is really hard for me to fathom ending my own life. I can understand wanting to kill yourself, but I cannot process the pain and conviction of a person that goes through with it.

I have no other words for this.

I try to include a picture in every post, but couldn’t think of something that represents this topic. Instead, I’ll share something I found beautiful the other day. Just after sunrise, I was walking into a hotel in a business park near Dulles Airport, glanced up and saw this. For some reason I took a picture of it, and now I guess I know why.

It is reported that approximately 30,000 people commit suicide every year in the United States, while over 750,000 people attempt suicide. The most common cause of suicide is untreated depression.

If you or someone you love is having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help immediately by calling a therapist or by dialing 1-800-SUICIDE.

What have you asked for lately?

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-By Jaime Willis

“We find what we expect to find, and we receive what we ask for.” -Elbert Hubbard
I know that we’ve written on this subject on our blog before, but it’s a topic worth repeating. Achievers ASK questions. Lots of them, to lots of people, all the time.
Last week, Matt and I were doing some financial planning for our business, which led me to do some personal financial planning. I asked myself what I wanted to have accomplished financially by the end of 2012. Goals like this are usually pretty easy to come by — I want to be able to pay my bills and rent with ease, I want to pay down my student loans, I want to buy a car and have money saved for a down payment on a home. Nothing too crazy, right?
When I mapped out my financial goals against my anticipated income, I determined that I would be “ready” to look at housing at the very end of 2012 or the beginning of 2013. It’s a big goal, and it made sense to me that it was going to take a long time to get there.
Here’s where it gets interesting. I shared my goal with a friend of mine who is a realtor. As a successful realtor, she immediately began asking me questions — Where (city, neighborhood) did I want to buy? What kinds of property (condo, townhouse, rowhouse) was I looking to buy? What was my budget? What were my must-haves?
The first SPARK from this conversation came when I decided to share my “dreams” with her, not just what I thought I would actually be able to buy. I am very grounded in reality and know how much real estate is in DC and how much I am willing to finance, but that didn’t stop me from telling her my favorite locations and types of homes.
When I did that, something amazing happened! She realized that I was operating under a lot of false assumptions about the housing market. She was able to share with me different financing options that don’t require the homeowner to put 10-20% down. She enlightened me to a few different neighborhoods that offer the type of housing I am interested in.
By the end of the conversation, I realized that it may be possible for me to buy property THIS year, not 18-24 months down the road! I’m actually doing a conference call today with my realtor and mortgage broker to talk details — how cool is that?
You may be saying, “Oh, Jaime is just really lucky. That kind of stuff is always happening to her.” I’ll admit that lots of great opportunities ARE coming my way, but not because I’m lucky.
Opportunities manifest themselves when you ASK for them.
If you are a bit nervous about doing this yourself, why not start with something small? The next time you go to a restaurant, ask them to make you something not on the menu. For example, did you know Chipotle will make you a quesadilla if you ASK? Even if you think you know the answer, ASK anyway. You may be surprised to find that you didn’t know as much as you thought!
What can you ask for today?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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-By Jaime Willis

“Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf clovers.”

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Actually, around here, we like to call March 17th the “Matt Leedham National Holiday” as it is one of his favorite days of the year! (Matt is grateful that that is the largest size photo I could find of him in his holiday get-up!) In Matt’s honor, we’ve turned our webpage green for the day.



On a holiday filled with talk of luck, I want to dispel the myth of luck. You aren’t missing out on life because you are unlucky. The other person didn’t get the job because they were luckier than you. Luck just doesn’t exist.

What does exist is PREPARATION and OPPORTUNITY. When you are prepared to take advantage of an opportunity, you may get “lucky.” How can you prepare to be lucky?
  • Start each day with a positive attitude and outlook. “You can complain that roses have thorns or you can rejoice that thorns have roses.” It is all in your outlook. Since an optimistic attitude has been proven to make a positive difference in recovering from illness and achieving goals, you can activate your ‘luck’ first with a great attitude.
  • Do your research. You may have always wished you could be on the Today how. But have you ever once done the research to see what it takes to get on an episode? What stories are they looking for? How do they book guests? How ‘timely’ do stories need to be? If you have the answers to all these questions, you can craft a piece or a pitch that best meets the show’s needs. You may get ‘lucky’ enough to get on the air.
  • Ask for help. We’ve said this before and we’ll say it again, networking is amazing. The world is getting smaller and smaller — it is surprising how often someone you never would have guessed has a contact, lead, or information on something you are trying to accomplish. For example, think how many parents your kid’s teacher knows who are all in different fields? How about the barista that serves the same regulars every day? I was once connected to a private car auctioneer through the parent of one of the kids I tutored, just because I asked how the student was able to get such a good deal on his vehicle.
  • Have your resources at the ready. I graduated from law school in 2003 and passed the New York Bar that same year. However, for the next six years, if you had desperately needed a lawyer and were willing to pay me a MILLION dollars to fix a legal problem for you, I could not have done it. Why? Even though I’d spent seven years in school and another several months studying for the toughest exam I’ve ever had to take, I stopped just short of the finish line. Because I never went back up to Albany, New York to get sworn in. For SIX YEARS after I passed the bar, I couldn’t say I was a licensed attorney. You cannot get ‘lucky’ if you don’t have the right resources available to take advantage of the opportunity. In 2009, I finally went up and got sworn in. Now, if a legal opportunity came up, I could take advantage of it.
  • Keep your eyes open for opportunity. Opportunity rarely comes in the exact packaging you’d expect. A lot of opportunities come with a whole heap of hard work attached to them. The perfect job for you might be in a city across the country. Your dream home may be lovingly updated in the latest ’70′s style. Don’t edge away from opportunity just because it requires a leap of faith or hard work – go for it!
I hope are preparing for your next opportunity today! I know I am.

Can you help?

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-by Jaime Willis

We’re working on several behind the scenes projects here at Velocity that I can’t wait to share with you all soon. In the meantime, there are lots of ways you can help us help you.
I’ve opened up the comments today so that *anyone* can comment — you don’t need to be registered. Here’s what we’re gonna do:
1) If you CAN help out with any of the following bits below, please respond either in the comments or via email.
2) If you NEED help with any of your goals, please post your need in the comments or shoot us an email. Later on this week, we’ll do a round-up post of “Needs and Leads” for you all.
Sound good? Excellent!
Velocity Needs:
1) If you are a graphic designer we have a small, but critical, project for you.
2) If you have some specific advice, quotes, or a inspiring story about overcoming physical challenges, that would be awesome. We are particularly looking for stories about people with height-issues (a la Napoleon) who have become successful in life. (We promise – we’ll tell you the whole story later!)
3) Remember our posts on mission commitment? We’re looking for stories of people who overcame incredible odds to reach their goals. (Think Carl Brashear from “Men of Honor“). The stories can be real or fictional.
4) Would you be willing to post a flyer for our upcoming class in your break room at the office? Email me!
5) Do you have the perfect location for us to hold a class in Grand Rapids, Michigan in April? Please let me know!
6) Does your business offer personal development workshops? If so, would you be willing to present our materials to the decision maker? We’d love to come on-site to work with you and your team!
Jaime Needs:
1) Do you have some really motivating music I can add to my workout playlist? My music is getting stale, and I have 41 50Ks left to run, so I need some great music!
2) Do you know someone who works at the central office of the NYC Department of Education (specifically the Tweed building)? I’m looking for an introduction.
3) Are you a member of toastmasters? If so, I’d love to chat with you.
Matt Needs:

1) Do you know any certified professional coaches? I’m looking to speak with any life coaches or executive coaches that have created a sustainable business for themselves.
2) Do you know of any great networking events in the DC area? If you’ve got some ideas, I would love to hear from you.
3) What is the most inspirational movie(s) you’ve ever seen?

Getting Through It

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-By Jaime Willis

When you start to feel . . . do. For example – when you start to feel scared because you don’t have enough money….find someone to give a little money to. When you start to feel like you don’t have enough love. . . find someone to offer love. When you feel unappreciated, unacknowledged . . . appreciate and acknowledge someone in your life in a concrete way. When you feel unlucky, order yourself to consider a blessing or two. And then find a tangible way to make today somebody else’s lucky day. This strategy helps me sidestep wallowing every day. -Momastery.blogspot.com

Sometimes, life is just tough. Getting through the day is hard, much less trying to accomplish anything productive during the day. Here are some tips on how to get through a low period and keep on pursuing your dreams.

1) Have perspective. Pain, even the worst type of pain, subsides over time. Your troubles are temporary. Some day in the not too distant future, you *will* be doing better. Remember that what you are going through now is not forever.
2) Follow Momastery’s lead: when you are feeling down, help someone else. It may not solve your problem, but being able to feel useful, helpful, or loved in any capacity can give you the “juice” and energy to work on your own troubles.
3) Phone a friend. Whatever you are going through, you are not the only one. Learn from someone else’s experience, commiserate with them, or just be heard.
4) Seek professional help. Sometimes, the problems we face are not solvable on our own. Substance abuse, for example, is almost never something you can ‘fix’ by yourself. Find the right support for your problem, whether it be medical professionals, counselors, coaches, business advisors, or mentors.
5) Tough times build our character. It takes rain to make a rainbow, and you may need this experience to really appreciate the reward that comes later.
Good Luck! You CAN do it!

Stop Procrastinating and Start Shipping!

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- by Jaime Willis

“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” -William James


I read a really interesting theory on procrastination this week. The author stated that being in the middle of working towards a goal is LESS painful than than not working on a goal at all. If this is true, then why do we avoid working towards our goals? The author’s theory is that the immediate pain associated with beginning to work on a goal is the deterrent. This theory is well-aligned with what we know about the physics of motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, while an object in motion wants to stay in motion. When we aren’t working on the goal the “start up” costs of beginning to work are high, whereas once we are in the middle of the goal, keeping at it is relatively easy. (Illustration by Natalie Dee)

What can we do then, to reduce the “start up” costs of a goal and reduce our procrastination?

Just like you prime an engine before starting, we can prime ourselves to be more successful. If I want to go to the gym tomorrow after work, I may say to myself, “Self, let’s go to the gym tomorrow.” But that is not enough to prime me to succeed. If I really wanted to primed to go to the gym, I’ll pack my gym bag the night before. I will make plans to meet someone at the gym. I will “walk through” my day the night before, thinking about what obstacles may prevent me from getting to the gym and troubleshooting them (do I have a way to get to the gym? do I have any late meetings or afterwork obligations?). If I’ve primed myself to get to the gym, the start-up cost of going is very low. In fact, I may feel worse NOT going then going after all that preparation.

Sometimes the start up cost of a goal is high because the goal itself is a high-difficulty level goal. For example, if you have a goal of writing a novel, you may be reluctant to start on that goal because a novel is a 300 page book that you have to write and that is a lot of work! So, instead of keeping the big, end goal in sight, lower the bar and focus on a tiny portion of work that moves you towards your goal. Some writers choose to assign themselves a number of pages to write in a day or a number of minutes of writing a day. It is much easier to think about having to find the time to sit down and write for 30 minutes a day than it is to think about writing an entire book. When you are getting started, the smaller the goal the better. As we talk about earlier, you should set yourself up for easy “wins” when you are first starting your goal. As your smaller goals become habits, you can gradually increase their difficulty level without significantly increasing your goal’s “start up” costs.

Peer pressure is a great motivator. It is great to have a goal that you can work on with someone else. The start up cost of a new goal may be significantly reduced if you know you will be letting a friend down if you don’t get working on your goal. When I was in undergrad, I had to write a thesis to graduate from my school. I had a great thesis topic and a great professor to advise me, but I could not get myself to sit down and write the paper. My advisor finally gave me a hard deadline to turn in a draft. I knew that I had to get the paper done, but even the hard deadline wasn’t motivating enough. I recruited a friend of mine to come over to my room and keep me on task until my thesis was done. My friend got paid to sit in my room and read while I was on the computer typing. Anytime I was off-task, she literally squirted me with a squirt bottle of water. To this day, she counts that as one of her favorite jobs of all time. As silly as it was, having someone assigned to physically monitor my progress ensured that I got the paper done and turned in on time. There is even a company, StickK, that will facilitate this by allowing you to set a goal and set your own financial penalty for failing to meet the goal.

Seth Godin talks about not succumbing to your fear when starting a new project. Just ship it! Don’t worry about all the problems and challenges you may face–you’ll gain something even from your failures. If you can lower your ‘perceived’ risk in completing your goal (fear of failure, fear of losing money, fear of losing face, etc.), you will definitely decrease the start up costs for reaching your goal.

Think about a goal you are struggling with right now and see if you can’t reduce your own start-up costs and start shipping today!

What can you ship today?

—————-
Have you signed up for Saturday’s Goal-Setting Workshop yet? Sign Up Today!


Building Your Network

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- by Jaime Willis
“Anything that is worth having is worth asking for.” – Melba Colgrove
Last December, I decided that one of my goals for 2010 was to lose weight. My goal was SMART – lose 60 pounds by my birthday in August. My goal was aligned with my core values and personal vision. Having lost (and gained) lots of weight over the years, I have a pretty good scientific understanding of what it would take for me to lose the weight (move more, eat less, eat better).
But, I knew I would need accountability to stick with my goal and I wanted a coach to help me learn more about strength training and toning, something I didn’t know a lot about. This is the point where a lot of people derail in their goal-getting. They have strong goals, they even have a good idea of what it will take to accomplish it, but they don’t properly activate their network.
How can you activate your own network to help you reach your goals?
Tell people your goal.

Really, it is that simple. Tell people what you are trying to accomplish. Tell lots of people. In my case, I started in December, before I had even started my weight loss goal, that I was going to be “frolicking” in 2010. (I say frolic, not diet, because I know that successful weight loss isn’t a temporary state of mind, but a “Food Related Lifestyle Choice” – FRLC, pronounced frolic.) I told my co-workers. I told my friends. I told my family. I told people who I knew would be supportive of my goal and would help keep me accountable to starting (and finishing) my goal.

Ask for specific help.

I knew I wanted to get serious about exercise and I chose to use a personal trainer. I set aside some of my income to pay for a trainer ahead of time, I researched online about what sort of things I wanted out of a trainer, and then I asked my network to tell me about their experiences with personal trainers.
Plenty of people have varied and conflicting advice about losing weight. By asking my network for specific advice, I was able to get the exact kind of help I needed to achieve my goal. A friend and co-worker recommended a trainer she knew. I met with the trainer, and he has been working with me ever since. And, I even got a discounted rate because I was referred by a friend!
Asking for specific help ensures a better response. A friend of mine recently asked her entire facebook audience if they wanted to buy her Chicago condo. While it is unlikely that there was a condo-buyer in the audience, I bet there were a lot of people who could have helped in other ways. (Find a successful Chicago real-estate agent. Find someone who can offer advice about staging homes. Find someone who knows how to market the property best. Find someone who knows about becoming a landlord and renting out the condo until the housing market improves). If you aren’t getting the result you’d hoped for, try asking a slightly different question.

Don’t be afraid to seek assistance.


Here’s the thing about networks — a great network is a diverse network. It’s pretty likely that most of your closest friends are similar to you — they went to similar schools, had similar upbringings, do similar jobs, etc. You want to reach beyond the comfort of your immediate circle and to people who know people you wouldn’t otherwise have access to. This is why I made sure to tell my coworkers about my weight loss goal. My office is fairly big, and we are pretty diverse in age, geography, educational experiences, etc. If I had just told my friends about my goal, I would not have the trainer I use today. I had to reach out to a diverse group of people to get my desired result.
Matt and I have been asking some big name folks to do interviews for our TGIF interview series on Fridays. At first, I was a bit scared to ask people way WAY outside of my network to do an interview. But we’ve had great responses from everyone we’ve asked so far! These responses have allowed me to feel more comfortable asking others to contribute. (If you want to do an TGIF interview, email me!)

Just do it!

I cannot stress enough how important it is to reach out to others when trying to achieve a goal. You will be flabbergasted at how “lucky” you are when you do so. Whenever I ask, people seem to have just the right connection I need to make, even when it seems like the people I told would have no experience or expertise in the area I am seeking help.
For example, when Matt recently threw down the goal gauntlet and decided to begin learning Korean, he had no idea that I have free access to Rosetta Stone that he can use to aid him in his goal. Another friend of mine began teaching a college course on communications and did not know that I had recently written a chapter of a curriculum on non-verbal communication that I was able to share with him.
The New Year is just a few days away–start networking now!

New Year’s Resolutions

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- by Matt Leedham

It’s that time of year again. As New Year’s Day approaches, many of us are faced with the challenge of choosing (and hopefully sticking to) a New Year’s resolution.

But why do we do this? Why engage in this annual ritual?

The reason for setting resolutions on the first of the year has certainly evolved over the centuries, but a couple of things seem to be clear. The obvious is that the New Year represents a new start, a clean slate, and a chance to press the reset button. Our current interpretation of resolutions likely got its legs from religious traditions. Christians prefer to sacrifice a vice during Lent (e.g. chocolate, alcohol, TV, etc.) and from Rosh Hashanah through Yom Kippur Jews reflect on wrongdoings and seek to improve themselves. Many other religions and cultures share similar traditions during their New Year and high holidays.

This is all very interesting, but how effective are New Year’s resolutions? I’m fascinated by this topic every year when the gym seems to be packed in early January, but empty again in late February.

Professor Richard Wiseman is behind Quirkology, a collection of many interesting studies into daily living. Three years ago, his team tracked over 3,000 people that set New Year’s resolutions, including the most common ones of losing weight, working out, drinking less, volunteering more, etc.

Alarmingly, while 52% of respondents were confident of success, one year later only 12% actually achieved their goal. Yikes!

What he found in his study (and what we have found coaching people on goal achievement) is that you are much more likely to be successful if you set specific, measurable goals that have a deadline. In fact, Professor Wiseman found that 22% of men were more likely to achieve their resolution if they engage in proper goal setting techniques. He also found that telling others about your resolution and seeking support from friends and family was another important factor toward achievement. Specifically, women were 10% more likely to be successful when reaching out to others.

We want you to succeed this year! Here are three things you can do to dramatically improve your ability to succeed this January and beyond:

  1. Set specific, measurable goals, with deadlines and checkpoints.
  2. Use your network and resources to achieve your goal.
  3. Sign up for our Goal Setting Workshop this Saturday (December 11th) where we’ll teach you all of this in greater detail!


Asking for Help

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- by Jaime Willis

You cannot do it by yourself.
No matter what goal you are trying to accomplish, I guarantee there will be a point that you need the assistance of someone else to get your goal done. The problem is that we are indoctrinated to believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness, when just the opposite is true. The most successful people I know are also the most likely to have a really strong network of support.
I mentor a couple of great students, one of whom just recently turned 19. As a young black male growing up in foster care in Washington D.C., Nick doesn’t have access to a strong, positive male role model. And while I have many talents, there is simply no way for me, as a woman, to provide Nick with that specific type of mentorship. Not to be deterred, however, I decided to create a book for him that included the collected wisdom of all the successful men I knew.
Last week, I put the call out to all the men in my life — friends, family, and coworkers. With only a few days to get the quotes in and format them, I wondered if I’d have enough responses to make this present work. Well, I should not have worried. The guys rose to the challenge spectacularly! In the end, I had almost 100 pages of material!
I hastily formatted, edited, and spellchecked the document, and gave it to Nick last night. He was incredibly happy with the gift and couldn’t wait to begin reading the book “made just for him.” This amazing gift to Nick would not have happened if I had been unwilling to ask for help.
Take a look at your goals and see if there is something you can ask for help on today!
——————
Updates:
GREAT NEWS! I have gotten a lot of interest regarding this post and have even been given the opportunity to pitch this to a major non-profit as a potential book deal. I’d love more at-risk youth to benefit from the collective wisdom of the older male generations. Sort of like an “Uncle in your Back Pocket” guide to life.
Can you help?
1) Guys, I would love your words of wisdom for young men in topics listed below. You can email me your words of wisdom here.
  • General Life Advice
  • Personal Vision
  • Work/Career
  • Money
  • Challenges
  • Attitude
  • Integrity
  • Education
  • Health
  • Faith
  • Love
  • Family/Friends
2) Spread the word! Can you repost this to your own facebook page, twitter, blog so we can get the wisdom of men far and wide.
Thanks a million! You all are amazing!