Category Archives: fear

Leaning Into Fear

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I never thought I would be able to find a connection between the terrible storms of the past week and my dating life . . . but I have done it!

I am scared of storms, all storms.  As a boy I would hide under the covers at the rumbling of the thunder (and honestly sometimes as an adult).

Now when it rains, in an effort to face the fear, I often go outside and walk around.  A few days ago when I was dodging puddles lightening struck and I almost died . . . well, not really, but I high-tailed it back to my home.

I made a foray into the fear, and then backed out to perceived safety.  I am ready to become more comfortable with storms but I am taking my time.

This is not unlike dating for me.  I love to love, but I am taking my time as I explore my fear and my bravery.

This concept of “leaning in” is espoused by leading scholars in the fields of positivity and shame research, most notably Barbara Fredrickson and Brené Brown.  

Beyond academic scholarship, Sheryl Sandburg’s new book created quite the stir when she used the concept of leaning in to implore women to more assertively advocate for themselves in the workforce.

But how far should we lean into a fear before it becomes counterproductive (i.e. too much too soon)?  What if “going at something” too often blinds us to lessons only time and introspection can provide?   When do we know when it is not worth it any longer and it is best to “cut the cord” and move on?

Some would argue that going too far, too often and for too long will get us so burned that it sends us racing to the bottom of the downward spiral we all dread (you know that Greek story of the guy with wings and the sun).

Truthfully no one really knows exactly how far, how often and for how long leaning in is a net gain for our growth?  No doubt the process is rarely linear.

So let’s experiment with leaning in with a deliberate pace.  I know this recommendation sounds like a semi cop-out, but our lives are complex, not as neat and clean as the arguments espoused in so many silly self-help books.

For example, if we are reluctant to weather the exciting and perfect storm of building strong and lasting intimate relationships then start by exploring the reasons for our reticence.  

How rooted in fear are they?  What are the sources of the fear?   

Then get out there and date and get your feet wet.  Why not?

And if you are feeling a bit uncomfortable during your first encounters perhaps that is a sign you are learning about you and the lucky person who is a part of your experiment.

Keep in mind, if things are getting too heavy for you, you can always jump back and hide under the covers for a bit . . . but before long, if you choose, you will be with someone else under those covers, leaning in together. 

 

Ferrara Fear, Part II: Stumbling Through

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A few weeks ago, right before Hurricane Sandy, I wrote about hiring a family history firm called Stories Inherited to help my sister and me document the story of our Italian-American family in Cliffside Park, New Jersey.  You can read about it here.

Well the Hurricane delayed the trip from DC up North.

Frankly, I was not ready to face the fear of returning to my grandmother’s neighborhood last October anyway.

She died ten years ago and I said then that I did not want to see a neighborhood I loved so much ever again without her presence.  For ten years I avoided it.  Yes, it was a pledge grounded partially in fear.

Let’s not completely over-dramatize this; the rest of the family, with the exception of one great aunt, had long since passed away or moved to other parts of the state.

My avoidance of a place, however, felt like it was contributing to my avoidance of thoughts and feelings about my relationship with myself, my relationship with my sexuality, and my relationship with the living and the dead Ferraras.

I needed more empirical evidence to process this theory, so I decided to suck it up and return to Day Avenue!

With Lauryn from Stories Inherited, we took the road trip this past weekend.

First, on Saturday, we visited my cousin, her family and my godfather in Paramus, New Jersey (about 20 minutes from the old neighborhood), famous for its malls and diners.

God, I love a mall and I love a diner, demonstrating once again you can take the boy out of Jersey but not Jersey out of the boy . . . thankfully.

Let me tell you, the trip was like a movie.  The two words that kept coming up in our analysis of our time in New Jersey were words I blog a lot about:  experiment and honesty.

My family gets to the point.  They speak their minds.  No topic is off limits.  They try to figure things out as the happen.  They are processers!

So during our Saturday afternoon dinner, my godfather started to tease me about being gay.

When someone else told him to lay off and to say something nice he responded, “He is my godson, I love ‘em!”

The teasing was from a posture of love and curiosity and not from ignorance and righteousness.  He is figuring it out on the fly, and believe me, so am I.

My godfather is 83, proving that the generational shift in “equality attitudes” has not just been reserved for those under 40, but it is inter-generational too . . . whether 60, 70 or over 80, it is as possible to expand, grow and learn as it is to remain stagnant, clueless, and dull!

And then on Sunday we went to the old neighborhood.  We took pictures of the houses my great-grandfather built and we walked down the streets and checked out the school-yard where I learned to play stickball. 

I imagined my grandmother yelling out the window, “Scotty, time for lunch!”  I imagined my family as it once was; close, honest, loving, nurturing, and . . . constantly screwing up, and therefore, constantly growing and learning.

And then I realized, we are still that way, stumbling through life, total kooks, and totally figuring it out as we go along . . .

And boy would Grandma love that!

Happy New Year everyone!!  2013 will be tons of fun stumbling through . . .

 

Release Your Fears (The Future is Now)

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We’ve spoken and written a lot on the importance of creating a personal vision.  A vision that is clear and specific…one that you can actually see in your mind.

But I find that focusing on the future obsessively will create short-term misery.  If you think about it, our minds are constantly living in the future.

We live in the future when we worry.  Worrying is simply projecting our anxieties into the future.  You may have heard that “worrying is like praying for something you don’t want to happen.”

We live in the future when we doubt ourselves.  Doubting ourselves is projecting our own expected failure into the future.

We live in the future when we let fear hold us back.  Fear of what other people may think of us is an assumption we place into the future.

The way to deal with these little mind-traps is to take intentional steps to stay present in the moment.  Stay within yourself.  Center yourself.  Ground yourself.

We all do this in different ways – exercise, prayer, meditation, music, breathing, etc.  Whatever you find most effective, do that.  And do it often.

When you realize that the present moment is perfect, you then realize that you are perfect…right now.

And from a place grounded in “now,” we are free to choose actions and directions without limits.  Fears melt away.  Anxiety disappears.  Doubt vanishes.

A Courageous Life

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Courage is being scared to death… and saddling up anyway.
John Wayne

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about the word courage, and what it takes to really be brave in your life.  As coaches we are often incredibly excited about new ideas, and helping clients tackle new problems and find brilliant new solutions.  In the energy of our excitement, we can easily forget how hard it is to take that very first step.  That first step where you decide you need something different in your life.

So many of us live our lives in the safety of resignation and acceptance of the sameness.  We choose to stick with what we know, rather than try something we do not.

It is normal.  In fact, it is human.

But when you do get to a point where you know…where you just KNOW that you need to make a change in your life, it can take every ounce of courage to face forward and take that first step.

It is hard to forge a different path.  It is scary to make a fundamental change in your life.  It is TERRIFYING to walk away from what is known and comfortable, and try something unknown and completely new.

So I just wanted to say, “bravo to you!”  Bravo for knowing that you need a change.  Bravo for reaching out to someone – a coach, a friend, a co-worker – to help you take a step forward.

Give yourself the credit for being scared and doing something about it anyway. You won’t be alone, and you will have taken the first (and hardest) step towards reaching your dreams in life.  And that is pretty damn courageous.

And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.
Steve Jobs

Read more quotes about acting with fortitude in the face of fear.

Weekly Wednesday Inspiration #12

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-By Jaime Willis

Happy Wednesday y’all!  As you read this, I am flying back from New Mexico.  I had a wonderful trip, and I’m happy to be heading home!

Matt shared a great visual with me this week that I wanted to share with all of you.  I think this does a great job of expressing some of the feelings we have as we’re growing through a new opportunity or challenge.

Found on K’Boom

Have a wonderful Wednesday & a great rest of your week!

Stop Procrastinating and Start Shipping!

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- by Jaime Willis

“Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task.” -William James


I read a really interesting theory on procrastination this week. The author stated that being in the middle of working towards a goal is LESS painful than than not working on a goal at all. If this is true, then why do we avoid working towards our goals? The author’s theory is that the immediate pain associated with beginning to work on a goal is the deterrent. This theory is well-aligned with what we know about the physics of motion. An object at rest tends to stay at rest, while an object in motion wants to stay in motion. When we aren’t working on the goal the “start up” costs of beginning to work are high, whereas once we are in the middle of the goal, keeping at it is relatively easy. (Illustration by Natalie Dee)

What can we do then, to reduce the “start up” costs of a goal and reduce our procrastination?

Just like you prime an engine before starting, we can prime ourselves to be more successful. If I want to go to the gym tomorrow after work, I may say to myself, “Self, let’s go to the gym tomorrow.” But that is not enough to prime me to succeed. If I really wanted to primed to go to the gym, I’ll pack my gym bag the night before. I will make plans to meet someone at the gym. I will “walk through” my day the night before, thinking about what obstacles may prevent me from getting to the gym and troubleshooting them (do I have a way to get to the gym? do I have any late meetings or afterwork obligations?). If I’ve primed myself to get to the gym, the start-up cost of going is very low. In fact, I may feel worse NOT going then going after all that preparation.

Sometimes the start up cost of a goal is high because the goal itself is a high-difficulty level goal. For example, if you have a goal of writing a novel, you may be reluctant to start on that goal because a novel is a 300 page book that you have to write and that is a lot of work! So, instead of keeping the big, end goal in sight, lower the bar and focus on a tiny portion of work that moves you towards your goal. Some writers choose to assign themselves a number of pages to write in a day or a number of minutes of writing a day. It is much easier to think about having to find the time to sit down and write for 30 minutes a day than it is to think about writing an entire book. When you are getting started, the smaller the goal the better. As we talk about earlier, you should set yourself up for easy “wins” when you are first starting your goal. As your smaller goals become habits, you can gradually increase their difficulty level without significantly increasing your goal’s “start up” costs.

Peer pressure is a great motivator. It is great to have a goal that you can work on with someone else. The start up cost of a new goal may be significantly reduced if you know you will be letting a friend down if you don’t get working on your goal. When I was in undergrad, I had to write a thesis to graduate from my school. I had a great thesis topic and a great professor to advise me, but I could not get myself to sit down and write the paper. My advisor finally gave me a hard deadline to turn in a draft. I knew that I had to get the paper done, but even the hard deadline wasn’t motivating enough. I recruited a friend of mine to come over to my room and keep me on task until my thesis was done. My friend got paid to sit in my room and read while I was on the computer typing. Anytime I was off-task, she literally squirted me with a squirt bottle of water. To this day, she counts that as one of her favorite jobs of all time. As silly as it was, having someone assigned to physically monitor my progress ensured that I got the paper done and turned in on time. There is even a company, StickK, that will facilitate this by allowing you to set a goal and set your own financial penalty for failing to meet the goal.

Seth Godin talks about not succumbing to your fear when starting a new project. Just ship it! Don’t worry about all the problems and challenges you may face–you’ll gain something even from your failures. If you can lower your ‘perceived’ risk in completing your goal (fear of failure, fear of losing money, fear of losing face, etc.), you will definitely decrease the start up costs for reaching your goal.

Think about a goal you are struggling with right now and see if you can’t reduce your own start-up costs and start shipping today!

What can you ship today?

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Have you signed up for Saturday’s Goal-Setting Workshop yet? Sign Up Today!


Ch-Ch-Changes

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- by Jaime Willis
“When nothing is certain, EVERYTHING is possible.” – Margaret Drabble
Before I get to the point of today’s post, I need to give you a quick lesson on William Bridges‘Transition Framework (TF). The TF states that for every change that happens in your life, physical, mental, or spiritual, there is an emotional transition that one must also go through. This transition process has three main steps: Endings, Neutral Zone, and Beginnings.
An “Ending” is the acknowledgement that a change has occurred in your life, and using evokes feelings of sadness, anger, and fear. The “Neutral Zone” is the place where you wander when you have acknowledged the change, but don’t have your new routine down pat yet. Being in your Neutral Zone usually evokes feelings of fear, confusion, and stress, but may also be a time of freedom and opportunity, depending on the change you are transitioning through. Beginnings are when you are emotionally ready to commit to your new way of life and boy, does this feel great!
Because change and transition doesn’t happen on the same timeline, the TF helps explain why your emotions may not match the circumstances of your life. For example, why do you think high school students experience a big funk after graduation? Even though graduating is a wonderful accomplishment, they are experiencing an Ending (of their high school career) and will have feelings of loss and even anger until they can transition through to their new Beginning. Get it? TF is a great emotional tool to use and you can read much more about it here.
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Now that you have a sketch of the Transition Framework, let’s look at how it can be applied to goal achievement. Think, for example, about someone who has made a goal to purchase their first home. This goal is a huge change for this current renter. Achieving this goal may mean the loss of freedom and/or independence, as one is now obligated to pay a mortgage and upkeep a house (endings). The future home-owner may find the process of finding a mortgage and choosing a home extremely stressful and confusing, and may not be able to make a decision on anything while sorting through all of the new information (neutral zone). Once the person finally sees all the opportunities they have in homeownership, they will be able to buy a house and start living the life of a homeowner (beginnings).
Once you understand that you will have to go through all the stages of a transition to achieve your goal (there are no shortcuts), what can you do to help alleviate the emotional upheaval you may feel.
Acknowledge your feelings and your transition stage.
Change and transitions are tough. Sometimes just being able to name the reason for your emotional response helps quiet your feelings. (This is also true for dealing with a person going through their own transition–you can have a lot more empathy for your teenager’s bad attitude when you understand what stage of transition they are working through).
Also, it is important to note that transitions are NOT linear. You may alternate between sadness/anger and stress/uncertainty as you process the change in your life. (You may be upset that you lost your job, and are stressed out about getting a new one–depending on the day).
Create a calming ritual.
Why are funerals so important? Because they are a ritualistic acknowledgement of the loss everyone attending has suffered. Funerals are the embodiment of a transitional ending, and are incredibly cathartic. But, it isn’t just sad changes that should be acknowledged.
Happy changes also have a component of ending/loss in them that needs an emotional home. A Bachelor/Bachelorette party is a perfect example of a ritual celebrating the end of someone’s single life.
Utilize positive self-talk.
During one’s neutral zone stage, the lack of certainty and firm footing can be paralyzing. Since there is no short-cut through the neutral zone, one has to find ways to accept a level of uncertainty as you transition. If you are anything like me, you worry about what “could be” a lot. I have recently found two powerful mantras (think priming) for me to evoke whenever worry starts shutting me down.
“Thank you for right now.” My worries are never about what is happening in the present moment–they are about what already happened or what may happen. One way to recenter myself is to remember that I cannot change the past and I cannot control the future, but I can be thankful for what I have right this very moment. This song (Blessed by Brett Dennen) is my go-to “be in the moment” track. You may also like the Serenity Prayer.
“When nothing is certain, everything is possible.” I was literally just introduced to this quote yesterday and it really resonated with me. I never worry about something good happening, only about all the bad things that could happen. This quote helps remind me that it is just as likely that something amazing can happen, focusing me on the positive. See also: Impossible is Nothing.
Find Comfort in Community.

There are almost 7 billion people on this planet. It is safe to safe that there is unlikely to be any change, no matter how good or bad, that at least a few others have already gone through. Network with these people to learn how they managed a similar change and transition. You may also find comfort in the listening ear or support from family, friends, or mental health professionals.
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No matter where you are in your goal-achieving, I am sure you can benefit from figuring out how the emotional transition you are making is impacting the change you are trying to make. Good luck as you continue your change and transition journeys!

The Biggest Loser

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- by Matt Leedham

Last week, the live finale of The Biggest Loser was on NBC and I just couldn’t change the channel. In fact, whenever it’s on, I just seem to get sucked in. It got me thinking…

I think the program “The Biggest Loser” is popular because obesity is an issue that far too many people face in America. Many viewers can connect and relate to the competitors on the show. However, while my weight fluctuates daily, weekly, and monthly too, the real reason I watch the biggest loser is for the mental victories.

Without exception, the contestants on the show, and those that are currently overweight, are dealing with mental and emotional obstacles that seem overwhelming. What makes the show so interesting to me is the break-through moments, the awakenings, the paradigm shifts in the minds of those battling with a variety of tragedies and insecurities. Let’s face it, Jillian and Bob aren’t the world’s best trainers. They are very good trainers, but they are even better therapists. They help people reconstruct their perception of themselves and the world around them.

Rising to the Top
The show starts with many competitors, but only a handful seem to rise to the top. What separates them from the pack?

They have a purpose. They are fighting for something bigger than themselves. They are fighting for their families, for their children, and for their friends. They realize that they’ve made some mistakes and they owe more to the loved ones in their lives. They have a purpose…a reason to live and survive and contribute. They realize that the world is a better place with them in it. They realize that they have something to offer. They are now aware that they matter.

Are you struggling with a goal? Something you know you need to address but can’t seem to get it done? Shift your perspective. Change your context. Start with why. Find your purpose for that goal and focus on that. Be relentless.


Limitations

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- by Matt Leedham

“Don’t worry, everything is going to be amazing.” –unknown

I posted the image to the right on our Facebook page yesterday and a few people let me know how much they liked it. It’s simple isn’t it? And powerful. To put a little twist on a fairly common expression.

Why do we put limitations on ourselves? Why do we hope for things to just “be okay?”

In our goal-setting workshop this past Saturday, Jaime asked a question you may have heard before, “What would you do if you knew you wouldn’t fail?” In other words, if you removed all of the self-imposed limitations and all of the pre-conceived definitions of what you think you should or could be, what would you do? If you shed all the perceptions of obstacles and hurdles and reasons why you can’t, what’s that one special thing in the back of your mind that you would do?

Well, what is it? What would you do? I’m serious. Leave a response below.

TGIF Interview with Anthony Fasano

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Happy Friday, everyone! Welcome to our new TGIF (This Goal Is Finished) campaign. Each Friday, we will feature a successful achiever and ask them 10 questions about how and why they achieved a goal in their lives. We hope you both enjoy the interview, and learn something new or inspirational to keep you moving toward achieving your own goals. Enjoy!

My name is Anthony Fasano, after 10 yearsin the corporate world as a civil engineer, I realized that I had an ability to inspire professionals and help them and their organizations grow. I decided to follow my dream and use my abilities. I mustered up every ounce of courage that I had and left my job in corporate America this past July and started my own coaching/consulting company, Powerful Purpose Associates. I now coach and speak to professionals around the world on the topics of business and career growth and development. In addition to coaching and speaking, I also write daily inspirational e-mails to professionals worldwide known as a Daily Boost from Your Professional Partner. Feel free to take advantage of the free career resources on our website at http://www.powerfulpurpose.com.

My goal was to start a coaching/consulting company without taking out a loan so I could live my passion on a daily basis.

I chose this goal, because I knew that I had a passion and desire to inspire people and help them grow, and I wanted to use it everyday. I knew that by following my passion, not only would I have the career I always dreamed about, but I would also help other professionals achieve their goals and dreams.

I was sitting on my couch a few years ago, and I looked at my wife and I said, “I want to become a coach.” At that point, I did not know much about executive coaching, nor did she, but she looked back at me and said, if that’s what you want to do, I will support you. I spent the next few days researching different coaching schools and the next weekend I found myself driving up to Massachusetts to start a one year program at the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching. The rest is history!

The biggest obstacle I faced was people telling me that I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

They said I can’t:

  • Leave a comfortable job with good benefits,
  • Support my family with my own business,
  • Find enough companies that would want to hire me,
  • Start a business in this economy.

Overcoming these obstacles for me was easy; I just stayed focused on my goal and knew I WOULD ACCOMPLISH IT. The key in achieving a goal is believing you will achieve it, no matter what. I surrounded myself with positive people and read positive books and articles. I also found others that had already achieved a similar goal, asked them a lot of questions, and then followed what they did.

The key to staying motivated was surrounding myself with positive, supportive people that helped me along the way. I also read and listened to positive books and information around personal development and success.

My wife was instrumental in me achieving my goal, because even though she recently lost her job and we have two young kids, she supported me 100% the entire time. Once I had her support, I had no doubt at all that it would happen.

When I accomplished my goal, I celebrated it, I enjoyed it and then started setting new goals. We must continue to grow every day! Although I will say that I still realize the benefits of my goal each and every day as it has allowed me to do what I love to do on a daily basis and I will always remember that journey!

Don’t doubt yourself or put limits on yourself because of what others tell you. You can do anything you want to do, as long as you put your mind to it and stay focused on that goal. ANYTHING!

Currently I am working on growing my business and I have a goal of working towards more inspirational speaking and writing in the future!